One Once Bound

My musings on therianthropy

2012-01-18T10:43:00.004-05:00

This post is a bit of a deviation from my usual format, and it may make some of my readers uncomfortable. Before I begin, if this content offends or discourages you, I apologize and I promise that I have no such intent in this post.

Let me open up with something that happened to me.

I forget how it came about, but I wound up having a discussion with a therian friend of mine about Adam and Eve. The friend argued that in Genesis chapter 2, while Adam was looking for a worthy companion amongst the animals and could find none, he should've chosen the wolf as his companion (thus creating a grey area insinuating that he should've mated with the wolf (eww) or that he would've never sinned if he'd not needed Eve).

To most others, this notion would be hilarious (no offense intended, friend). However, to me, I was infuriated. I couldn't fathom how someone could come up with such theology to attempt to support a therianistic viewpoint. Fuming mad, I left my computer and went outside to think. I wanted to know the real reason why I was mad.

I stood outside in the freezing cold and in the dark, and prayed. I asked God to search my heart and show me why I was so upset with my friend for his views. I came to find myself angry not because his theology seemed so unsound, but because somewhere in my head, it sounded like something I somewhat wished myself (remember, I was a totemist for a long time). That led me to ponder--why did God make me human?

Let me throw some verses out here:

Romans 9:20-21: But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?

This points out that God created us the way we are for a reason, and that because God is perfect and makes no mistakes, we are no one to tell him that our present form is a mistake on his part.

Jeremiah 1:5: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

In-context, it's not saying that God has appointed us to all be prophets or teachers. It is however noting God's sovereign plan for our lives--one that was set in motion for us before we were even created.

Psalm 139: 13-16: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

This verse notes the intricate way in which God created us and the care he took in doing so. God didn't just slap a bunch of limbs together or regurgitate us into existence--he put us together intricately, and planned out our days.

Passages in scripture flooded my mind as I pondered my humanity. Why did God create me as a human? What purpose did he have in doing so?

I reasoned that, just as God plans out the days of his creations, he could have very easily seen what my life would've been like as a wolf or any other animal. He likely saw that I wouldn't be able to draw or sing or learn Japanese, or do any of the other things I can now. I would have family still, sure, and I may even have fallen in love. But my creativity, my ability to express myself in eloquent or artistic ways would not exist, nor would any such desire be present. You don't exactly see wolves playing Mozart or recreating the Mona Lisa!

God created us as we are because he saw the lives we would live, what we would learn, what we would do for His Kingdom in our own unique ways... the span of our lives as humans reflected his glory best--that's why we're human.

If you're not a theist, then consider this: If you're a therian and assume that your life would've been better if you weren't human to begin with, or that you're destined to lose your humanity somehow one day, what will you no longer be able to do that you can do now? If you can draw, will you be able to draw anymore? If you can sing, will you be able to sing anymore? If you can write stories or poetry, will you be able to do any of that anymore?

Humans are the only ones who can create and express themselves in such beautiful ways... why give that up or want to throw it away?

Responsibility

2012-01-10T18:22:00.003-05:00

I know almost all of my posts have to do with my battle against my transformation fetish. That there's been multiple times I'd claim that such-and-such post would be my last one about it and that it was all over... only to find that I was wrong. All of you see a cycle, don't you? That I say a lot of the same things, with only a few new things between the lines...

I keep telling the same story, but with each time I tell it, I tell it because I believe that somewhere inside me, I've learned something new that I have to hold onto for dear life. Something that'll bring me closer to putting an end to my habitual sin.

There's a thousand things I feel like I could say, and my brain's going a million miles an hour thinking about everything in my life right now... like I could write a never-ending book with all the stuff that I feel is being poured into my mind...

I believe that a large part of this cycle, this constant self-deprecation after sinning, and then having mountaintop experiences later... has a lot to do with taking personal responsibility for the fetish itself.

Whenever I'm faced with the thought of transformation or whenever I see it presented on TV or in artwork, I force myself to face it. I try to somehow mold what's in front of me into something good, to try and fix the thoughts into ones that aren't horrible. It wasn't always like this--before I saw any good in transformation itself, I would just feel bound to the idea and consumed with the thought.

Either way, it all goes back to feeling like I'm required to suffer for my sins, that this temptation and perversion is my punishment for what I did. I grasped that as head-knowledge, but I didn't understand that there was nothing I could do to fix what I messed up, that there was nothing I could do to remove the perversion that I allowed to be born within transformation in my life.

It's all something that God has to do--something I have to let him take care of. If I can accept that there's nothing I can do and that He can do anything, then I can at the very least not worry nearly as much.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things will be added to you," right?

My transformation story... again.

2011-11-13T01:49:00.002-05:00

So, as most of you know, I have a transformation fetish. If you don't know what that is, if you value your eyes, brain, and so on, you won't look it up. It's not pretty. :/

I feel like every time I mention it, I have to re-tell my story, because it's like God gives me new bits and pieces about my past that I forgot, or even back then, didn't understand. Sort of an eerie sensation of having someone you forgot slowly reappearing in your memories.

Hopefully this doesn't bore you, but I beg that you give this post a chance and actually read all of it...

As a child, transformation was an innocent idea. That's true for most anyone, I think--it's an intriguing thing, something that's neat to ponder as a "what if" situation.

At age 12, I took that "what if" way too far... and before long, an intense desperation to become a wolf was ruling my life--it became my identity, and something I constantly sought to make a reality by any means. Pair that intense desire with constant rejection at school and bad grades, and you've got a mess on your hands.

At age 17, I rededicated my life to Jesus and felt that I had to let this desire go, that I shouldn't pursue it anymore... but despite not actively pursing an identity as a wolf anymore, I still fantasized deeply about transformation. I didn't paw to it because although the thought was erotic, it was something that in my mind I still saw as innocent because the thoughts themselves weren't vulgar or of sexual nature.

By December of that year I'd turned 18, and I'd found CFF. I was weary of my constant fantasies back then, to the point that I started to hate the fact that I'd still been having them. Despite this, in the coming months I found myself immersing myself in furry, and adopting multiple canine fursonas. I struggled with furry for the whole time, not knowing if I was doing a bad thing or not... and all the while, my fantasies still upset me.

Eventually, I left furry, feeling that it was just something that was tempting me, and that it was something I was using as an excuse to live out my transformation fantasies to some degree (which, for awhile I was unsure about, but in light of what I'm going to reveal soon, this has been confirmed as truth).

There were multiple times where I left furry and then came back, and each time, my heart was continually bruised, along with all the people I abandoned and eventually came to avoid (that includes a fair chunk of people here).

The point? I got to a place where not only did I hate the part of me that fantasized about transformation, I began to fear and/or hate everything connected to it. I felt I had to in order to keep from sinning...

Oh, what a wretched lie!

I came to believe over the years that by hating and fearing the desire for and interest in transformation into a wolf, and doing the same to all connected to it, I was keeping myself safe... I was preventing myself from sinning. That's not true at all--all I served to do was demonize myself, my friends... I've caused myself so much pain in choosing to hate it, because I felt that choosing to accept that part of me in any way, shape, or form was wrong.

This deep, burning desire that's been inside me, the desire to become a wolf (or I suppose, to broaden it, to experience any sort of transformation into an animal), at its base, is not wrong. However, that said, it was never meant to be something to be sought out as a mindset or a way of life, it was never meant to be manifest through arousal, and it was never meant to become an identity. There lies a childlike innocence at the base of it, I believe, something inside of many people that wonder what becoming an animal is like.

I don't know how to get back to that place where the innocence of the idea itself sits... but I know that in the beginning, although I messed it up, transformation as a creative thought, was given to me... and Satan isn't allowed to have it anymore. He's not allowed to condemn me for how I screwed up.

Joshua 18:3 - "So Joshua said to the Israelites: “How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the LORD, the God of your ancestors, has given you?"

Dudes, I'm done waiting.

Portraying the self, among other things.

2011-09-17T01:44:00.004-04:00

First, I want to start this off with a post I left on the ChristianFurs.net forums:

Basically, werewolves are very evil characters in my mind--they cannot love, do not want to be loved, and only exist for their own self-gratification. This is the idea that has persisted in my mind ever since I became obsessed with transformation, and one of the things that has aided in keeping me in bondage.

When I see a werewolf (or a werecreature period) in my mind, it's basically been engineered to show itself as better than me, and it in a way tricks me into thinking that despite the imagined pain of a transformation, it would be worth it because I could basically get whatever I wanted, because I'd have the power to manipulate others with fear, on top of adopting a form that exuded power and pride.

This idea, for a long time, has been very easy to accept because I believed there was nothing good about me that I was going to lose in becoming a monster. I chose to continue to become the antithesis of who I am as a person (in my mind of course) for the sake of feeling as if I could stand atop the world with a (furry) iron fist.

So, I believe that if how I perceive werewolves and other werecreatures changes and they become characters that expound on what's good about me instead of being things that tell me that I'm worthless, then they'll be easier to ignore when they pop into my head (because chances are, they'll be popping into my head for the rest of my life @.@ ).

Pray that my perception of them changes as such, and that I just fight temptation better in general. God bless, y'all.

I later had a conversation with a furry friend of mine, whose fursona / character that represents them is an anthropomorphic fox with a cape. I told him that I admired him and that he was a help to me in that his character is a direct portrayal of who he is as a person. Some furries I've met roleplay as their characters in order to satisfy something in them that in real life, they cannot have (or feel they cannot). Some will roleplay that they are cuddling or being affectionate to another (nothing sexual, but nonetheless awkward to the layman), and in my case, I would almost always fantasize about becoming a werewolf, in order to satisfy a desire to be stronger, to exude confidence, and to have the power to obtain anything I wanted by force.

In other words, the characters that (some!) furries create lack depth. They only exist to satisfy the desires of the furry, instead of existing as direct representations of who they are as people in real life. This, again, is why I love this friend of mine--that's exactly what his fursona is. It represents him in all his wacky, fun-loving ways.

Now, in a sense, I've always had a fursona of my own: a werewolf. However, unlike the characters that represent any other person, the werewolf existed as a complete antithesis of who I am as a person (I therein say it is a fursona because it existed as something I wish I was). This fursona has always insisted that I was nothing--just a shell of a person with no redeemable qualities that really didn't need to exist, and that if I gave into him, he could make me something strong, prideful, and able to knock down anything that stood in my way. As a child who suffered so much, that's what I wanted to become.

As I said in the above text (the text in orange), the werewolf cannot love, nor does it want to be loved. It only wants to gratify its own desires, and it wholeheartedly believes that it has the power to do so--that's the only thing that motivates it to live: pure instinct, and a very evil one at that. Now, as a child, I didn't see the whole picture--I only saw an idea of being powerful and able to take on the world. I didn't see that I could not be loved as such a monster, and as much pain as I was in then, I didn't want to love anybody. I only wanted to hurt them.

Even today, this character constantly revisits my mind, and it haunts me. As I matured in Christ, this character did not. Even after I gave my life back to the Lord in 2008, the werewolf still portrayed strength I believed I did not have, and was designed to carry itself as prideful and self-serving. It still told me that I was weak, and that if I wanted to be strong, I had to somehow become it.

This sounds like a bit of a demonic thing, I'm sure. For me, that's all I ever allowed it to be... until a day or two ago.

I always insisted that the werewolf was evil and that I had to hate it. I hated everything it stood for, everything I felt it did to me... but I never once thought of the possibility of the werewolf existing as a representation of my best qualities, instead of being my antithesis; that I could personally rewrite and rename the werewolf, and that it didn't have to be the monster that Hollywood and most novelists make it out to be.

I believe that for now, and for a long time yet, the werewolf will be a part of who I am. It will exist in my mind and revisit me often. However, it's a character that I created, and if that's true, then it's one I can change. It's one whose history I can erase and rewrite, just as Christ erased my sin on the cross. Christ forgave the unforgivable, redeemed the unredeemable. I've been through the fires of change over the years, and now, this part of my life that's seemed to be scarred the most...

...It has to change too. The werewolf, in my own life, has to undergo a brand new transformation of its own.

Fandom mentality?

2011-08-18T04:13:00.003-04:00

Well, recently a friend of mine introduced me to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Quite a deviation from the original show; it holds comedic elements that existed in shows such as Dexter's Laboratory or the Powerpuff Girls (it was made by the wife of the guy who produced the aforesaid shows, Lauren Faust). We have been watching a few episodes of it on YouTube amongst his friends, and after about 4 episodes I found it to be quite a delight to watch... but for what reason?

Yes, it's pretty funny. Yes, it was made with some of the production team that made some of Cartoon Network's greatest hits. However, I was just introduced to this, and no more than a few days later, I made my own pony characters (see below).

My friend found the bottom of the two amusing in that it seemed that I was pretty hooked on the show, and only after a short time. However, I later came to wonder tonight--was I really that hooked or was something else going on?

After only a few episodes I was able to recall most of the main characters (and at the moment, still can), knew a fair amount of the backstory, and even knew some of the lingo that "bronies" use. Bronies (brother + pony) exist as a subculture / fandom centered around MLP (My Little Pony). Most, if not all of my friend's acquaintances that we had been watching the show with all considered themselves to be bronies.

Now, a little history about myself. If you've read the other posts of this blog, you know or will learn that I was a furry at one point. However, that label existed on me for two reasons: one, I wanted an identity that made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and two, it was a subtle (yet blatantly obvious) means to not have to let go of my past as a therianthrope / totemist.

With being introduced to these "bronies," I felt an opportunity to take on another identity and thus feel like I was a part of something special or exclusive. This didn't register with me from the get-go--I assumed that I simply just liked MLP a lot from what I had seen.

Something contrary to this was revealed in a time of prayer with my girlfriend--something was churning in my stomach, something that was making it hard to allow the truths of God to pierce my heart and enable me to enter into his presence more fully. The whole time I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, but deep down I later came to find that it was because my reliance, adoration, and attention had shifted to something else--MLP had become an idol, and something I wanted to be a part of in order to be accepted.

This, frankly, is a large letdown in that I feel as if I have little self-control, and apparently a weak sense of identity. I let fandom mentality take hold for the sake of feeling like I belonged somewhere, and when I allow that to happen, my reliance on God wanes and I go to him less and less for what I need. But, like any idol, going to a cartoon or to a fandom is not going to give me what I need, nor will it avail the needs of anyone else. I'm not saying fandoms are bad, but if it exists as a replacement for God, something has to give, and fast.

I want to know Him more.

2011-05-01T21:52:00.001-04:00

Right now, I'm in a season of life where the Lord wants me to more deeply know Him, so I can know that I'm none of the things I used to claim, nor the things my peers used to claim. I have so much unforgiveness, so much hurt and self-deprecation that stem from my time as a totemist and time spent being ridiculed for being different.

God told me in a dream recently "you're grounded because you don't know who you are" in a dream I had where I was in an airport talking to my grandpa (whom said the previous phrase). That theme has been appearing quite a bit, and it's something that's been revealed to me through fears I hold onto.

I'm afraid to let my barriers down at school and Church because I assume everyone (especially at really preppy-looking Churches (no offense intended) sees me as some sort of horrible heretic because of what kind of past I've come from--but I know too that no matter what anyone says, my identity is to rest in God's word and His word alone, and the falsehoods spoken or thought at me will be dealt with by God.

I want to know this God more. The God who knew me when he planned creation, the God who sent his only son to hang on a tree to take my sin and reconcile me to Himself, knowing all the things I've done, am doing, and will do in the future. I want to stand on the truth of who He is, that I might only be identified by who He says I am, and not what I or others say I am.

I want to reach out to the hungry and dying in the furry community despite my past, without fears of being dragged back into my darkness. I want to be the Light the Lord calls me to be for Him, so that someone hanging on the edge can know this man called Jesus. So that Satan's plans within this culture will fail, and so a nation of soul-winners will rise up and claim this land back for God, redeemed, reconciled, and free.

I want to know this God more, so I can know myself... and so I can stop making excuses and repeating the same failures over and over again.

The Moment I "Got It"

2011-04-10T07:19:00.002-04:00

Y'know, a lot of my posts are calls to action. Through my writing, it seems like I never just stop and reflect on how awesome Jesus is, I just try and spur myself to believe something that I need to believe. I'll say this--without the Cross, without Jesus, no matter how powerful my writing or language or whatever may be, none of it is ever going to mean anything. Ever.

I'm thankful, very thankful to the Lord for those "aha" moments, but really, there's times in our lives when we don't need "aha" moments from God, we just need to reflect on what we already know of the Lord: the simple yet beautiful fact that He sent His son, Jesus, to die on the Cross for a world of undeserving sinners like you and me.

I was saved when I was 7 years old, that is, I professed that Jesus was the son of God and that he died on the cross for my sins. However, at that age, even though I went forth for Baptism a year later, I wasn't "in love" with Jesus. Jesus was just someone I kinda knew, but didn't know or trust enough to really follow him, and that was reflected in the years to come, the years that I constantly write about in the blog posts below.

I would pray, if only religiously, almost every night. I guess I was doing it out of obligation or because I figured that it would help me look good to God... Love? I don't think I ever remember love. All I remember about my faith then is that it took a back seat to my fantasies of becoming a wolf. I started to care about Jesus, suffice to say I liked him, when I got a little older. Around age 16 or so, Church seemed less haphazard, but it still wasn't a place I cared a great deal about. I knew I was cared about there by at least some people, but I didn't seem to care that much about them.

In my relationship with the vampire girl I mentioned in a couple of posts before, I reached out to the Lord in desperation. I wanted to get the heck out of the world I'd plummeted into. I mean, who was I gonna be able to tell that was gonna be able to help me willingly give this sinful life up? I knew that I was in danger spiritually, and I wanted out.

...And I was set free. I was led out. President's day of 2008, I broke up with her, and in May of that year, I gave up the totemistic / occult-ish pursuit of becoming a wolf. I knew that if I really wanted to show Jesus I loved Him, I'd have to let it all go, and by then, I was willing to leave that lifestyle because around then, I really began to get it.

There was one moment, I think, where I really started to understand God's love for me, about a year before I gave up my sinful lifestyle.

My Dad showed me some random video about the love of God on his computer. I watched it, cried, and I snapped. I had to tell Dad what I was dealing with. I didn't know what the consequences would be (I honestly feared death), but something in me stirred and said "you've got to tell him." I wrote out everything I was doing in-depth, called my Dad upstairs, and I lied on my bed in fetal position, shaking in fear of what he was going to say.

He responded lovingly, explaining the concept of buffet Christians, and that I needed to have the Lord search my heart and show me that what I was doing was wrong. He didn't curse me, he didn't beat me, he didn't cry or call me a failure. He reached out and helped me.

He helped me. Jesus helped me.

Every single time I recall that moment, and really think about it, I cry. I can't help it. The God of the universe reached down through my Daddy and chose to help me instead of destroy me. He showed me He was paying attention and wanted to help me. He wanted to redeem me, wanted to reconcile me to Himself.

A perfect and holy God, who hates sin, loved me and called out to me, a boy who lived in sin and expected death from the hands of the righteous.

From that day on, the love of Christ began to unfold. From that day on, it slowly blossomed into more than a story or a religious fact. It became the truth, it became love. It became freedom, life, redemption, hope... it's everything. It has to be, because I want more of it. I want to know the Lord more. I want more of that love, and I want to give it back to Him.

It's a truth that never gets old, no matter how much I recall it, because it's a real, living love.

He is a real, living Love.

Beauty for Ashes... or something like it!

2011-03-02T03:25:00.002-05:00

There's quite a few things that have changed since my last post. A few wonderful blessings that have rained down from the Lord, so I'll take a minute to mention them.

My girlfriend, and best friend, AJ. I've gone out with her for about 5 months now. March 18th will be 6. She's the godliest girl I've ever met. She loves Jesus, she's steadfast, and she's strong.
New Beginnings, the Assemblies of God church that AJ and I go to. I've been going there for about the same amount of time AJ and I have been going out. It's been different, but I've loved every moment of it.
God's work, and the awakening He's bringing forth. He's made leaps and bounds in my heart and my life over the past months.

These aren't technically in order of what matters the most, but you get the idea.

So, moving on to what I wanna talk about now. This may or may not be a finite post about my issues with transformation. Yes, you did just read that. After nearly 3 years of posts talking about my quest to conquer it, it's finally coming to a close. It might be a few more months before this book is closed, but it's been an awesome journey.

Things had seemed to take a turn for the worse. I was lusting over things I never thought I would, and Satan has really been beating me down, and worst of all, I'd started to have panic attacks about giving in to temptation. I would avoid all my friends that were furry for the fear of being tempted to lust over transformation... jeez, it'd just gotten downright outrageous!

But, this is probably one of the biggest things, and yet, simplest things I've come to learn. The temptation was so bad because I was in refusal to just let it go. To just hold to the fact that I don't need to lust over transforming into a werewolf or a dragon or what have you (not that I didn't know that was impossible... ugh, fetishes). To not compromise God's outrageous love for me for anything, not even for a split second.

Watching werewolf movies with the family, or even cartoons that used transformation of characters to further their stories, or even games that had powerful creatures in them would kick off my fetish in a heartbeat, because subtly, I was looking for that next high. I was looking for that next excuse to go off into a fantasy world and lust over being something I'm not.

Newsflash, Satan.

That's over now.

That's been the cure all along for this curse I've lived in for 3 years since I renounced that lifestyle. If I'd just trusted God and let go of the desire to dwell on that feeling and desire, it would've died.

But, I don't regret those battles, or this whole journey. Not for one minute. God has been growing me and preparing me all along for this, that I'd have the faith to stand up and tell Satan to his face that he was done for. That I wasn't some bystander civilian in this invisible war. That I'm called to arms with the rest of the Body of Christ.

I'm a warrior, and I won't soon forget it!!!

And to think... God's nowhere near done with me yet. Lord, lead me and prepare me for what's next!

Give up the fear.

2010-11-17T03:18:00.004-05:00

So, since about July, I've had a really harsh problem with masturbation. I used to not do it at all, but as soon as someone said I could do it without lusting over anything, I gave it my first go (of course on a night that I was lusting). Ever since that day, I've not been able to go any longer than a week and a half without doing it at least once.

How did I manage to go from not having a problem with masturbation at all to having a heavy issue with it? Fear. What this fear was, for a while, I haven't been sure...not until God spoke through my Nana last night.

She and I were talking in the kitchen, and she asked me if I struggled with temptation every night. Reluctantly, I said yes. She mentioned that I had to let go of the fear, to let the thoughts just leave my mind instead of dwelling on them. I didn't understand what she meant by fear, until I started to ponder what it was I was afraid of.

At first, I thought I was afraid of sinning against God. That's true in part, but it's not the whole story. In truth, I was (and am) afraid of letting go of the past. Back when I was seeking to throw my humanity away, and found out it was sinful, I quit cold-turkey, or at least tried my best to. I understood that my worth couldn't be found in that, and yet, in the depths of my spirit, I didn't fathom it the way I needed to just yet.

In the present day, three or four years later from that time, I find myself struggling with masturbation over thoughts of becoming something I'm not, among other darker things that are too disgusting to mention here (nothing homosexual, but still really nasty). Every time I give in to it, I find myself condemning myself horribly... and it wasn't until today that I understood what exactly I was condemning myself for... and praise God that He reached down and revealed it to me today. I'd been praying that God would show me what I found so appealing about this particular sin, and badda-bing, he speaks through my Nana. Hahaha, wooooo!!!!

The condemnation came from me still going and relying on the past to give me a sense of being and power--and identity. I would give in, knowing that I was doing that, and feeling terrible because I know with all I am that the past was a bad time, where I lived in sin, a past that God brought me away from.

The search for power, love, and self-control has long been over... so what's with the fear? What's with this reliance on a lie? Okay, God, crack this wide open and shine Your light as bright as you can shine it!

Stop the past! Break into a new future!

2010-08-23T02:37:00.002-04:00

I've been known by closer friends to be a very double-minded person. I wrote a post about that in my "Set Free" blog, quite some time ago. The thing is, I never understood why I was. I just assumed I was screwed up in the head beyond repair.

I was so, so wrong.

I've spent so much time looking back at yesterday, that I forget today, and fear tomorrow. I've always seen people as images of the past, images of people who hurt me. I would see my furry buddies, and most monster flicks (especially werewolf movies) as images of what I wanted to be. The former of the two demanded that I trust no one, and assume the worst of everyone so that I would just stay away. The latter of the two made me feel trapped in chains I felt would never break.

This isn't to say that I'm magically healed and that I don't have the inclination to look back at the past anymore. I know that there's gonna be quite a few more days where I do that. However, I at least know now that in order to go forward, I have to stop looking back there. I have to trust in the Lord, and walk the narrow way, instead of walking backwards longing for yesterday to still be here.

It's been 2 years since I rededicated my life, but every passing day, I've looked at the past where I was bullied, and where I was sinning in tandem with that. I never stopped blaming myself, never accepted God's forgiveness, but, hey, Jesus loves me. Shows me that everyday.

If he's on my side, battling for me with a love I can't even begin to measure, then I can be sure that he'll keep my head pointed towards tomorrow, instead of having me beat myself up all the time. If he's gonna do that though, I have to let him guide my eyes to the future, instead of insisting at looking at the past.

I will. I have to. For God's will, for the people I love, and because I was designed to always be moving forward.

Mountaintop experiences gone idol... no more!

2010-08-06T19:54:00.004-04:00

As Mark Driscoll described how people worship, they pour all they have into their idols. When they don't get what they want, or someone gets in their way... They get angry, others get violent.

I was angry. Fed up. Downright disappointed. I wanted that next mountaintop experience with God so badly... and day after day, for months, I never got it.

There would be some days, or instances where I'd get all weepy-eyed and cry and whatever, but more often than not (save for some instances where God did indeed reveal his glory in my suffering), I was just crying because I had an excuse to cry. I was feigning mountaintop experiences to get a temporary Christian high.

The highs let me down, so come May or so I started to distract myself. A lot. I became lonely, depressed, and yet, obsessed with social networks. I got interaction, but none of it was ever enough. So, I started more and more to try and fix my TF kink.

That didn't work either, and now I have a pawing problem because I fixed something that a filthy rag can't even remove a stain from (reference to how good our good is compared to Christ).

I've been very whiny to everyone. Facebook, ChristianFurs, and with the RPG Maker VX forums, I've pretty much just been using them to get script documents to make my games cooler (games I never finished).

Begging for attention, begging for some kind of high in life... and I never found any of it.

And then, I found the prophetic word. The Bible. I saw a sermon Mark Driscoll preached about people idolizing mountaintop experiences, and it rang so true for me. There was this also:

2 Peter 1:19-21:

And we have something more sure, THE PROPHETIC WORD, to which you will do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts, knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone’s own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

That's it. Right there. The thing I was missing all along. The Bible. I never needed to go looking for a mountaintop experience, or to look down at the crater I was in. All I had to do was read the Word... and cast down my idols that God might have spoken to my heart amidst my (mostly self-inflicted) burdens.

Praise God that I've begun to understand this... and, I'm sorry for whining so much.

The Fading Hand 「きえてる手」

2010-05-21T03:28:00.003-04:00

I honestly, as of late... haven't been doing so well. Life just seems boring--and God's hand seems to fade more and more as the days go by. I can't seem to buckle down and do the important things anymore: I've not been reading my Bible, I've seldom been praying unless it's been an emergency, and I'm definitely not plugged in at Church. What's worse, my transformation fetish has been giving me trouble, too.

Obeying is so hard... for someone who's as touchy-feely as me. Is that really the case though--am I really having such a hard time obeying because I'm not "feeling it?" Have I grown stagnant because I just feel like I'm not "experiencing" God?

I sit in this room, typing away every day... or pressing buttons to blow up bad guys, or trying to push to that next Level Up... and when it comes time to stop playing, and to start spending some God time, lately all I can ever seem to say is "I'm too tired." I was so happy before--why have I let myself fade this much?

On top of all of this, I'm supposed to go home tomorrow... and Lord knows I don't wanna do that. I won't say why, but for those of you who know me and my situation, you know what the deal is. I just wish it would end already.

I've been a real attention whore too--wanting to make videos for YouTube for the sole sake of getting comments, checking Facebook every day for wall posts... checking two different forums for activity. I want attention... I want love.

Maybe that's just the ticket--maybe my heart is burdened for something tangible, wanting a love that I can feel. For awhile, I'd been frustrated with my friends because they bickered this same way, and that God's love was there to fill that void, and so much more past that.

I know that's true, and I'm stupid to feel otherwise!... but as far as I've let myself drift, it's hard not to be tempted to think that way.

I wonder if that's why I'm writing this post too--because I want the "ohh, I'm sorry for you" and the "it'll all be OK" from people.

Lord, forgive my lusting heart...

One truth, or a thousand lies?

2010-04-21T16:55:00.002-04:00

Recently, I was asked to watch an episode of Babylon 5 by a long-distance friend from FFC (Furrs Fur Christ). I'm not familiar with this series because I don't watch it at all, but in light of what I had previously discussed with this friend, the content of this particular episode was very poignant.

Before watching this episode, this friend noted he was a therianthrope (refer to earlier blog posts if you don't know what that is). He said that he questions sanity from time to time, but that he's experienced a lot of things that make him believe that what he's involved in right now is godly. Now, on a personal note, I don't agree with that at all. I could rant on for hours about my dislike for therianthropy, and if you read my other posts you'll see why.

Now, on to the episode... in the episode, a member of some Earth fleet found himself on the Babylon. He believed himself to be King Arthur, somehow having regressed back to the middle ages... (can one "regress" to a time before they were born?) a doctor on the ship, who is called Stephen (I think) found his real info, and wanted to reveal Arthur's true identity to him. However, a British fellow (whose name I forget) was against it, saying that a thousand lies was better than one truth. The one truth was that Arthur had taken part in starting a war that killed a lot of innocent people, which the British guy felt shouldn't be recalled by Arthur. From an emotional standpoint, that makes sense to me, as I don't like my friends experiencing pain of any kind.

However, what would be the proper answer to this from a Biblical perspective?

If you say a thousand lies is better than one bad truth, or that it would be better to live a lie than as your true self, that might be correct in a world where there was no God. In a godless world, people would have no real purpose. They could go on living in whatever reality they chose--it wouldn't matter in the end. However, in a world where there is a God, which I strongly believe this is such a world, you have to face the truth. In refusing to face the truth about who you are, you are denying your God-given identity, and with that, perhaps even your true destiny in life.

Now, when I say true self, there are a great many things the Bible tells us about who we are in Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

We're not the people we used to be before knowing Jesus. He changes us through and through (some at different paces than others).

Psalm 139:13-16^: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God knows our every day. He took great care in our creation, and throughout his whole word he tells us of our great worth. I would recommend reading all of Psalm 139--it's very powerful!

Jeremiah 1:4-8: The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

In the context of Scripture, this passage tells us that God has great plans for our lives. I'm unsure about us being prophets, but if only in the context of the Great Commission, which we are supposed to carry out to the nations, it holds true!

My whole point is, God has a great plan, a wonderful will for our lives. In this, how can we afford to go on living a lie? If one is afraid to be their true self, or whatever the case is, they don't know the true self--because the true self is who we are in Christ, not what our feelings tell us we are.

Facing other issues.

2010-03-29T22:30:00.003-04:00

These past couple days, I've felt totally hopeless. I feel like when the time comes for me to get down to business and do what needs to be done, I come up short because I don't know how to do much without being spoonfed instructions on how to do it. I feel like I can't become a better artist, I'll never learn how to be a good musician, and my Japanese will go down the toilet, all pending whether or not I go to school.

School... that's the key word. A place where people shove useless knowledge down my throat that I'm never gonna use for anything, and when they teach me something I like, they hold my hand and do it with me step-by-step...

This might be hyperbole to some degree, but... at least right now, that's exactly what it feels like. I feel like unless somebody's teaching me something, I don't have the ability to go out and learn what I want to, what I need to on my own. I feel like unless somebody tells me how, unless I shell out a whole bunch of money for a teacher, I don't have the ability, nor the ambition to teach myself what I want to know.

Another part of me, especially when it comes to the differences in Christian denominations, I feel like I'm gullible enough to believe anything I read if it's well worded enough... and that I might go believing the complete wrong thing, and that I'll waste my life away with some sort of crazy idea. I know this in itself sounds totally ridiculous, but such things and problems are the fruits of those who feel unable to believe in who they are.

This is probably one of my few posts that doesn't mull over my dark past as a totemist. I'm steadily moving on, facing other issues in my life that are getting in my way.

But, you know what they say... the first step is realizing you have a problem. So, there's hope, right?

Of Strength, Courage, and Foreign Tongue

2010-02-04T04:08:00.003-05:00

The title to this post hints at a lot of things. First off, God revealed to me that I'd be a fool to give up Japanese, because He's got crazy awesome plans for my life and intends to use me through that gift He gave. The whole "I'm giving up Japanese" thing was short-lived, and quickly revealed as a mistake by the good Lord's grace and mercy.

Now, the rest of this is much deeper, and much more powerful.

For so long, I saw myself a weak, pathetic fool who had no power, no strength or ability to stand up against injustice. No confidence to reach out and be a friend to others. I've seen myself as someone undesired, someone who would never make it in the world. In short, I felt like I was nothing, had nothing, and would never get anything.

I searched for a good 9 years, trying to find a source of power; anything that made me feel like I was more than a nobody. I would suck myself into video games, anime, and even fell into the occult. After 7 of those 9, I found Jesus, and my search then started to come to and end, but still felt as if it wasn't over.

I would find myself looking back at my past, at all I'd fell into, thinking that just maybe, if I could have gotten what I wanted, I could become someone or something that exuded the strength and confidence I yearned to receive. God seemed distant, and although I loved him and worshiped him, I could not bring myself to trust him in the weaknesses that haunted me daily.

Recently, I've come to find some very powerful things about this God that I serve. He's called the Lion of Judah, his hand spans across the universe, he's bigger than my fears, bigger than anything I've ever known, or ever will know. At the feet of him, angels whose mere appearance makes man tremble bow and praise his name and all he's done. This God I worship is not distant, and is not sleeping, and he's not at all like me.

Jesus came unto the earth not to bring peace, but a sword. He came to stand up for justice, to show the world right and wrong, regardless of what people thought. He hung out with people whom were condemned by society, and stood up for them when no one else would. He didn't let anyone walk all over him, and if something wasn't right, he said so, regardless of the conflict he knew would ensue.

My points are these: God is powerful, God is not afraid, and most of all, God is on my side, and is fighting for me.

God is on my side, fighting for me, saving me from myself and making me stronger everyday... and in this, I've come to realize something very important: If I would trust in God, my search for Strength and Confidence would be over.

I've come to understand that amidst all the times I wished I was something more, something greater...since the day I came to accept this Jesus as my Savior, a confidence and strength unlike anything I'd ever known was, and is readily available to me by faith in him. I know that everything isn't just magically gonna be okay now just because I'm starting to comprehend this, and that I'm not just suddenly gonna become a fiery, evangelistic Christian...

But I darn well know that it's a step in the right direction.

Giving Up Japanese

2010-01-08T18:00:00.004-05:00

Below is an MSN conversation that explains why I'm giving up Japanese.

Brian says:
So
I heard you're giving up Japanese?
Kail says:
Yeah.
Brian says:
Whyfor?
Kail says:
Deep spiritual reasons.
Brian says:
Would you elaborate?
I'm curious
Since it was something you had a passion for learning.
Kail says:
See, in these situations
I find myself with two choices.
I can go ahead and elaborate on something I believe in, and then deal with whether or not the other person likes what I said. Or, I make an excuse and run off, because I'm afraid of saying something that will be disagreed with, and I won't have to try to argue to make myself look like I'm right
Most of my life, I've opted for the second option, because I'm a coward.
But today, even if it scares me to death
I'm gonna opt for the first option.
[c=6]Brian[/c=50] says:
Alrighty then, I'm all ears.
Kail says:
This'll be a long story, so be weary
Brian says:
k
Kail says:
When I was in middle school, you and I went through a similar phase, no?
Brian says:
Aye.
Kail says:
It took me seven years to realize why I did it in the first place.
And, if my finger's on the right mark, then everyone does things like that for the same reason: they want to be loved.
People like that generally have given up on getting acceptance and love from people in general, so they find another way to try and meet that need.
My mindset was, if I tried to be a wolf, then I could be accepted by them and leave the world behind, not worrying about school bullies or anything of the sort.
In high school, I had another, more seemingly viable option.
Although I didn't give up totemism until halfway through my Junior year, I held onto the aforementioned other option.
I felt that if I took Japanese, I would be able to be assimilated into the culture, as most otaku wish they could.
The more I learned, and the better I got at emulating Japanese, the more possible it seemed to become.
But, I was also taught of a greater love growing up, that God sent his only son, Jesus, to come and die for my sins, so that I could know God personally and be loved by him.
For a long time, I ran away from that, because I couldn't see it.
Had every excuse in the world to refuse to. I was bullied, I felt like everyone hated me.
Things were going awful, and worse still, I was doing terrible things. How could God love me?
When I gave up totemism, I gave it up because I finally saw a glimpse of hope, and was brought to my knees with tears finally knowing that it wasn't just some story I was told.
But, even still... subconciously, I pursued that chance to escape.
"It's so close, why shouldn't I?" I would often hint to myself.
Brian says:
Continue o3o
Kail says:
I was called out on idolizing Japan by a close friend this past year, in either May or June.
I was really mad at him for saying it, and I didn't want to believe it.
But, remembering it... I was only mad because it looked like he was trying to take away a chance at love.
Lately, I've come closer and closer to God, knowing His promises and love that has never once failed me.
But, whenever I think about that hidden dream, to go to Japan and leave all I know behind,
I felt no room for God in that.
Any thoughts of him were taken away when I'd think about that dream.
And... I'm at a point now that I would sooner die than give up God's love.
That I would still yet give that up... just for a false hope, for a dream that would cave in,
I became apalled with myself, and as hard as it is, made this choice that has a good sum of people freaking out.
But, no matter what anyone says, no matter how dumb it may seem
I'm not changing my mind, unless God Himself tells me to keep studying it.
And that's that.

All I Wanted...

2009-12-22T14:45:00.005-05:00

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted... I generally have a habit of waiting between posts, so I guess that's normal. Today, I'm not gonna write anything all that motivational or whatever, I'm just going to talk about how things have been going. I've visited two colleges: Alice Lloyd and Indiana State, within the past 3 months. I saw a really good friend in Terra Haute, and stayed with him for the weekend... even though I got sick while I was there, I had a wonderful time.

I'm back at home now, and I'm still sick (my visit to Terra Haute was no more than a week ago). I'll be kicked off my parents' health insurance this coming year, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to school in January, either. My situation just seems messy...

Backtracking a bit, between running and reconciling, I chose to try and reconcile. I didn't jump right back into the Furry fandom and suddenly exist amongst it as some flamboyant fur who was all over the place, I gingerly re-exposed myself to the Christian Furry Fellowship, and had its members hold me accountable and help me stay strong... in about a month and a half or so of being there, I chose to start calling myself a furry again.

However, that didn't solve my problem, because I still didn't know what was wrong with me, or why I still struggled with past sins. There's something still missing... and although He'd helped me progress into a better security, and I was (and am) trusting Him for the most part in this situation, there's still a hole that I can't seem to let Him fill inside my heart... and until I let Him, my struggles will never end, and no matter how much I'll seem to recover, I'll keep backsliding. I know without a doubt, God wants me here to minister to these guys, and at this point in time, this season of life, He needs me here... because I'm not the only one with problems.

Some time earlier today, I was reading a Furry comic called "TwoKinds", and I started to feel weird, a feeling I didn't think I could convey in words. My good friend, whom is known as Wolfin in the Christian Furry community, asked me what this feeling was, helped me to explain it. I explained it to him something like this:

"Part of me wants to say it's too deep and too powerful to describe, but I know that it's so much more simple than I want to make it. When I look at Furry stuff, or into the eyes of a wolf, it's like I'm looking into another world, a world that I longed to be a part of, but never got the chance to. Like, I'm searching for a self that never got the chance to exist.

In my mind, it feels like I'm running towards that self sometimes. One part of me says 'I worked hard for this, I deserve it,' whereas another says 'No, you were never meant to be this!' Now, amidst all this, I know what I really want... I want to be wanted.

One side of me feels, and all of me used to feel that if I just became a wolf, I could join a pack and be accepted by them, and never have to deal with people again... that just maybe, the wolves would take me in as their own.

The question is, how to break away from that mindset... and not be haunted by things that remind me of what I've done. The sad part is, I know I'm looking for acceptance in the wrong place, but at times I'm too weak to see where the right place is, and I give into myself and sin.

I thought for a long time that my desire was for power, to crush my oppressors... but it wasn't. My desire, that whole time and into now, is to be wanted by someone."

I should know, and know well, that God wants me more than any one human being is capable of showing. He knew me before the dawn of time. Not just my name, but everything about me--from the number of hairs on my head to every thought I would think. Not only does he know me, but he LOVES me! He has awesome plans for my life, and blesses me everyday!

I AM wanted. I am!

To Run or Reconcile...

2009-10-11T19:42:00.002-04:00

This may not really seem like that big of a deal, especially since there's so many other things that should be a greater concern than this... but, I'm afriad that if I don't get over this soon, I'm gonna really mess something up.

I talked with my aunt about this whole thing, about whether or not I should do furry stuff or whatever. Most of you, I'm sure would argue that I shouldn't. Part of me takes that as pure disapproval and misunderstanding, and I assume that people who disapprove are just ignorant and don't get it. Another part of me takes it as genuine concern for my spiritual health, and I'm more sure that it's the latter of the two when someone says they don't like the idea of me being furry.

My aunt made two arguments: That in doing these things, I was creating the appearance that I was still in a state of dwelling on past lusts, and that although serving as a light to the furries is a good thing, it could be that God has something better, and that I'm settling for something good as opposed to what's best.

So often, I try to reconcile different parts of my past. My intrigue for the concept of transformation, as well as the animals I tried to make myself be (back when I was coo-coo). I feel like I'll never be at peace sometimes... and I keep trying to do things to reconcile with those things. Some might argue that one should just run from those things, but... whether I like it or not, it seems that "furry stuff" is a big part of who I am. Whether or not "being furry" is right, I don't know, and at this point I don't care. All I want to know is where God wants me... and reconciliation with God's creations.

A major part of all of this is my view of self-worth, which I'm working on and praying about. Perhaps once I quit all this self-loathing stuff, things'll be easier...

Come quickly, Lord... I know that You have come to save me, not to destroy me!

Jumping to Conclusions

2009-09-09T16:38:00.004-04:00

Ok, so earlier, I had a spat with a family member. A friend of mine commissioned another friend to make a tail for me. Yes, a tail. I'm finally making my way back towards Furry, and being able to handle it to boot, without keeping it a secret and treating it like a sin... and this time, I have a clear, brand new mindset about it (some will speculate this, but I'm pretty darn sure that things'll be different this time). So, what was the spat about?

Well, I decided to inform said family member about the tail, so I wouldn't be keeping a secret from them, like I did with my dog collar / dog tag, only to have them find out at random and then get mad at me. Why did they get mad? This is my take: Months ago, I tried to show them furry, but didn't exactly show them the best websites... and they jumped to the conclusion that Furry was not at all an art interest, but a big escapist movement that they don't want me to be a part of. In their misunderstanding (and lack of desire to investigate further because of fear and/or disgust), they immediately seem to be assuming the worst about Furry. This may be because of my misinforming them, or because of conclusions they've jumped to on their own. If it's my fault for misinforming them, then Lord God I am so sorry. But if they're jumping to conclusions, they're really, really making this difficult.

As you may have read previously on this blog, I noted multiple times that the Furry secret has to die, because so many Furries are treating it like a sin, because of the fear that parents and friends will deem it sinful because of the darker side of Furry (being the members of the subculture that perform zoophilia or are animistic, or do both in tandem). My family member's reaction is sadly an example of someone who doesn't want to try to see Furry as a good thing.

It's pitiful, and really makes me mad that there is such perversion in the Furry Fandom, but that's NOT WHAT FURRY IS!!! In the assumption of peers and parents alike that Furrs are involved in the darker half of the fandom, or other assumptions (such as deeming all as pure escapism), the aforesaid parties are condemning their friends and family that happen to like Furry. If someone likes to wear a tail for the heck of it, or even a full suit on some occasions, that doesn't make them escapist.

Someone can be doing every Furry thing under the sun, and be totally successful--and I've seen it. I know Furries who are very well established in the business world, support families, live "normal" lives. Things don't seem to fall apart until a peer or parent seems to condemn Furry and treat it like it's some terrible thing. Some of the people within the subculture do bad things, but that doesn't mean Furry itself is bad. I got a threat from said family member saying that if I "delved any further," they would forbid my siblings from seeing my Furry artwork, because they don't want my siblings "being dragged into it". That's got to be one of the most enraging things I've ever heard.

I'm begging for prayer, folks...

"Forgiving Yourself"...?

2009-08-24T20:25:00.002-04:00

I was recently linked to the following page : http://www.carm.org/questions/other-questions/it-biblical-forgive-ourselves. This article states that it is unbiblical for one to forgive themselves. It stated that there is /nothing/ in the Bible that talks about forgiving yourself. It states that when you do something that you regret, something that makes you feel horribly guilty, and you feel like you'll be living with it for the rest of your life, that it's not yourself that you've sinned against. You've sinned against God.

However, the Bible states over, and over, and over, that Jesus died on the Cross, bearing our sin and shame. No matter what horrible sin we've done, we've been forgiven, even if it feels like we've scarred ourselves for the rest of our lives.

The past that I lived, the strange, twisted past, even typing about it, or thinking about it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty that I was in sin for so long (5 years), and still called myself a Christian. I feel guilty that I hated myself so much, that I hated who I was because I got made fun of all the time. I feel guilty that I went so far as to pray to spirits for power and not God. I feel guilty that I self-hypnotized myself, and would go on long treks outside and act like a wolf.

I feel guilty that I tried to let a spirit inside my body, in a sense offering my body to a demonic being so that I could escape who I was. I feel guilty that I hated wolves after I stopped it all, because they are God's creatures. I feel guilty that sometimes I still misplace my confidence in the idea of losing my humanity as a means to become a monster to get power and exude a beastly confidence somehow. I feel guilty when I dream of turning into a werewolf or whatever it is, and waking up and... (not gonna go there.)

I feel guilty that I was a Furry for a little while for the sake of finding confidence in a new identity. I feel guilty for wasting my nights sometimes, looking at comics and scenes on YouTube that depicted transformation. I feel guilty that I forsook my family and friends when I was younger because of my self-deprication.

There's... a lot of baggage that I have here, as you can see. However, I didn't sin against myself. I didn't do myself wrong. I did God wrong. I sinned against the Father.

My sins in my past are some of what put Jesus on the cross.

But, there's another picture here. Yes, I sinned. I did some really bad things, and I sinned against God something awful...

But despite my sin, Jesus loved me. Despite all my wrongs then, Jesus loved me. He loved me so much, despite all the things I did, despite my blaspheming, that he had nails drove into his arms, and he hung on a tree on calvary for me. He DIED FOR MY SINS AND ROSE TO LIFE THREE DAYS LATER, PROMISING THAT IF I PUT MY FAITH IN HIM I WOULD BE SET FREE!

He didn't just take "some" of my sins then. Jesus paid it ALL! Jesus took my sin and shame, and he put it to death, and promised me NEW life! If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has GONE!!! The new has COME! I am a new creation! You can be too!

The Journey to a New Life

2009-08-20T19:48:00.003-04:00

It's finally begun-- I'm finally beginning to understand how I can be free from these lusts, these burdens I've been carrying. Let me explain how it happened!

The other night, or rather VERY early this morning, I was dreaming. In this dream, I was searching for a TF engine for my current RPG project that I'm working on with my little brother, specifically a werewolf engine I could implement. The more I looked, the more I felt myself losing my sanity. I'd done enough searching eventually that a horrifying feeling overtook me, that I was about to totally lose control. Noticing this feeling, I forced myself to wake up.

Panting, and as freaked out as I could possibly be, I started praying for forgiveness and mercy, that I wouldn't be overtaken by this emotion that was nagging at me. After praying, I got online to talk to somebody, anybody that could possibly help me. From my contact list in Pidgin, I chose to talk to Aurrin of the FFC.

Talking to Aurrin for awhile, he asked me why the concept of transformation was appealing to me. I told him that it was the power, and the desire to escape, but he mentioned something that hit me really hard, something I didn't even realize.

Becoming another being, especially one that seemed to exude power, was also appealing because it exuded confidence. I'm a Christian, don't get me wrong, but for the longest time my confidence was placed in the idea of becoming something more powerful, which would explain why being a Furry was so appealing to me, because it gave me another identity in which I could place my confidence.

However, I gave that up, and now knowing that my lust in TF comes from misplacing my confidence, I'm giving that lust up too. My confidence is in the LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!

Now I can start taking baby steps... but I wonder how small those steps should be?

Why it hurts so much... is this really it?

2009-08-15T22:21:00.002-04:00

Now, quite some time ago, I want to say roughly a year and a couple of months ago, I gave up the whole idea of being able to be something I'm not. I came to believe that trying to do that by any means was a sin, because it went against God's original design. This, I still firmly believe to be true. However, there was one problem with giving it up, one thing I failed to do.

I had stopped trying to become something I wasn't, but I had not given up the metaphysical desire. This desire manifested, and even now manifests itself in dreams, subconscious thoughts, and up until recently, my being a member of the Furry fandom. I refused to believe that my desires were manifesting myself through my being a Furry, but... looking back, that was part of why I chose to become a Furry in the first place...

The constant subconscious, and nightly conscious ponderings of me becoming something other than human... I firmly believe that it has to do with the desire that I never laid to rest.

Now, the idea of transformation itself, I feel, is totally harmless, and could even be used as a Christian parallel. I've droned myself with the good aspects of it, and that it didn't have to be a lust in the back of my mind, but regardless... it has been to no avail.

I don't know if this is totally correct, but based on the desires and even beliefs that my older nature seems to hold... were I to succumb to them, I would most likely accept the idea that I was a therianthrope (if you don't know what that is, wiki it). The desire, idea, and even tendencies are there... believing it would not be a difficult feat. However, I refuse to give in to that idea. I know better! I was not born that way, and what desires that ARE there are my own, and even cause me to stumble. I won't give in.

Mark my words, readers, I will post again soon, and the next post will be glorifying the Lord Jesus for His miracles. I will change, and these desires and lusts will pass. I won't lust over the idea of being something I'm not anymore, and I'll even be able to be a Furry again without any strings or chains holding me down from doing "Furry" stuff.

Who knows, it may not be God's will that I be Furry again... and if it's not, that's totally cool. I know though, one day... it won't be a guilty pleasure, or a hidden lust... if I wind up utilizing the concept of transformation in my artwork, I'll pour all my blood, sweat, and tears into making doubly sure that it glorifies the Lord!!!

The secret has to die!

2009-08-08T20:06:00.002-04:00

For awhile now, as some of you know, I've chose to leave the furry fandom. The way it looks, I don't know if I'll ever come back to furry--not because I don't think I can take it, but because I'll be met with the inescapable feeling that I'll have to hide it from people... and I hate secrets with a burning passion.

A lot of furries keep this a secret from their family, or certain friends, and even if they have told their parents, they can't seem to get approval. Why is this? I don't know... From what I can tell, conservative parents (err, some) immediately think it's some kinda cult thing. If they don't think that, they just think it's "weird," especially when yiff comes into the picture.

Furry, I believe, could be an AWESOME way to glorify God. However, hardly anyone seems to be doing that. Furry is kept in the shadows as a secret, and even a guilty pleasure at times. I firmly believe that the secret is destroying lives all around. Nobody shows their furry art to their parents, especially if it's TF (transformation) art or inflated furry art... at least, I didn't. Nobody's showing their parents stories they write or RPs they do.

Why don't they show them? Why don't they show it off to family or friends? Is it because it's "furry"?

There's no harm in artwork, stories, or heck even making a fursuit. No harm at all... so why do people hide it? What's the point?

Furry isn't what one is, it's one one likes to do. It's art, not some weird cult or a bad secret that should never be told.

The secret has to die... for the sake of family and friends alike.

Weight of what you are

2009-07-12T19:55:00.004-04:00

I noticed a slight flaw in my thinking when I had that conversation with Nathan. Yes, it is true that being a furry implies a lot of bad things to those who actually know what it is, but at the same time the general public doesn't have a clue. Personally, it was (and at times still is) extremely difficult to talk about furry to anyone, because I immediately assumed the worst would happen if I told them, almost as if I were going around telling people I was a wolf again or something.

In a sense, because of the mindset I held whilst being a furry, that's partially true for me. Yes, I had a wolf fursona, and for seemingly good reasons that justified it (it was a means to remind myself of where God had brought me from--trying to make myself not hate wolves anymore because of wolves being one of God's many creations... etc.), but in all reality, furry was just another way for me to escape.

To be honest, being a furry would have been a lot more fun for me if I'd had different motives for "being one." That connotation right there, the idea of "being" a furry, brought me back to the ideal that I was something other than what God made me to be. The furries I know generally don't hold that mentality; it was poison that I was holding onto from my older days that corrupted my furry experience.

Anything and everything, if moderated incorrectly, can lead someone into sin, taking away precious moments in life that would otherwise be there. When I was asked to play with my little brother or sister, or watch a movie with family, or heck even eat with the family, I would say no more than half the time, because I was on the computer hanging out in CFF.

There was a carnal attachment that kept me there, one I didn't notice or even want to admit was there. From the day that I chose to call myself furry, I was sinning. Not because furry is bad, but because I wanted another escape, and my flesh wanted an escape, and moreover, another identity that would make it feel like I was stronger than I felt I was.

The furry identity I adopted became so much more than just a hobby, it became who I was as a whole. Furry wasn't a fandom for me, it was a race of people who were different from the rest of the world... which is exactly what I was searching for, a way to differenciate from other human beings somehow without holding onto the belief that I wasn't human myself, and not only that, a community where I could uphold this identity.

Let me ask you this: Are you involved in something, some kind of community or club you enjoy? How much of that community is part of who you are? How much weight do you put on telling someone "what you are?"

The only thing that should have any sort of weight or importance, I feel, is who you are in Christ. There's so much more worth in that... nothing in this world could ever give you any true lasting importance, importance and worth that will last until the end of the age.

Some changes...

2009-07-05T04:04:00.006-04:00

A lot has happened, and in recent events, I've chosen to toss the "furry" label. The logs below elaborate on my current feelings towards the fandom. The following is part of a conversation I had with a furry that is a member of the Christian Furry Fellowship (www.furryfellowship.org).

(3:41:09 AM) Kail: Yeah...
(3:41:23 AM) Kail: I mean, the label itself... it's attached to so many disgusting things.
(3:41:45 AM) Kail: When someone says furry, or looks it up,
(3:41:57 AM) Kail: Tell me, what's the first thing that appears on a search engine?
(3:41:58 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:42:41 AM) Nathan (LW): all the wrong stuff.
(3:42:45 AM) Kail: Exactly.
(3:42:53 AM) Nathan (LW): have to specify what your furriness is
(3:42:59 AM) Kail: That's the thing,
(3:43:13 AM) Kail: Even in specifying it, people generally jump to conclusions.
(3:43:29 AM) Kail: "I don't care if he says he's not into yiff, he/she probably is..."
(3:43:51 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:43:56 AM) Kail: Mom, even after me specifically saying that furries don't think they're animals, jumped to all the wrong conclusions.
(3:44:24 AM) Kail: And even in knowing that, I myself was still captivated in that thought.
(3:44:40 AM) Kail: Which is part of why it was so easy to make myself become more "furry" to appease CFF.
(3:45:04 AM) Kail: I did experience some genuine growth in my spiritual life, yes, but I was also stoking an old fire.
(3:45:16 AM) Nathan (LW): a stumbling block
(3:45:20 AM) Kail: Right.
(3:46:34 AM) Kail: I bet anything that I'm not the only one who held (or is holding) onto the furry label and isn't stumbling because of what the label entails.
(3:47:01 AM) Nathan (LW): i dont quite capture the meaning of that phrase.
(3:47:12 AM) Kail: Well, when I say that...
(3:47:28 AM) Kail: I noticed, after I chose not to be furry anymore, my "furry perspective" on things was totally destroyed.
(3:48:05 AM) Kail: My subconcious drifted to different, and generally better places, and I found myself in sticky situations on a mental basis a lot less.
(3:48:18 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:48:50 AM) Nathan (LW): im still not sure what the earlier phrase meant.
(3:48:59 AM) Kail: Chances are, the mind of a Christian furry is bound to go to certain places it shouldn't, because of some of the sins attached to furry.
(3:49:41 AM) Nathan (LW): yah.
(3:50:04 AM) Kail: If someone just happens to like to make fursuits, or just happens to like to draw furry art, taking away the "furry" label probably totally changes the artist's mindset.
(3:50:21 AM) Kail: At least, it does in my experience... may not be the same for others.
(3:50:28 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:50:40 AM) Kail: There's also the social suicide factor of calling yourself a furry x_x;
(3:50:48 AM) Nathan (LW): for me, i never really got a change in thinking, just a revelation that others thought the same way :D
(3:50:57 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:51:07 AM) Nathan (LW): and thatś where closet furriness comes into play.
(3:51:23 AM) Kail: At the same time though, being a closet furry isn't always easy.
(3:51:32 AM) Nathan (LW): right.
(3:51:38 AM) Kail: Keeping secrets, especially if it's something you really like, is really hard to do.
(3:51:48 AM) Kail: If you like something, you wanna share it with someone you care about.
(3:52:12 AM) Kail: Furry is really difficult to do that with, simply because of what being a furry entails on a stereotypical level.
(3:52:48 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:52:56 AM) ***Nathan (LW) grins slightly.
(3:53:21 AM) ***Kail does a cheesy anime gasp.
(3:53:26 AM) Kail: :o
(3:53:59 AM) Nathan (LW): this all coming from the guy who before had wanted to fight the steroetypes surrounding furry as hard as he could.
(3:54:09 AM) Kail: Hehe...
(3:54:49 AM) Kail: The problem is, it's extremely difficult to do that, because there's a lot of stapled sins with furry.
(3:55:00 AM) Kail: Beastiality, animism...
(3:55:07 AM) Nathan (LW): yup.
(3:55:24 AM) Kail: Two very sick and dangerous sins. :<
(3:55:33 AM) ***Nathan (LW) nods.
(3:55:36 AM) Kail: I mean, what I said before,
(3:56:08 AM) Kail: If newcoming furries realized that the aforesaid sins weren't a prerequisite for being a furry, they wouldn't be so apt to hop the bandwagon.
(3:56:25 AM) Kail: (The sin bandwagon, that is.)
(3:56:33 AM) Nathan (LW): yeah.
(3:57:22 AM) Nathan (LW): fortunately, i got the more formal introduction to furry at CFF
(3:57:23 AM) Kail: If a furry had the guts to stand up and say as much, it would make a world of difference.
(3:57:30 AM) Kail: Hehe :P
(3:57:55 AM) Nathan (LW): i already knew about furry before, considered myself one, but hadn't come out of the closet yet.

So, why did I leave furry? Well, a friend of mine (whom is a very strong Christian who just happens to like furry) asked me if furry was something that caused me to sin. I said "yeah, sometimes," which prompted him to say that I needed to stop. This notion stunned me, but it was also true... whilst accepting the furry label, I realized that I was only doing it to get closer to my past. What hurt the most is that I had to force myself away from CFF (at least for now), as a means to prevent my mind from going places it shouldn't... and I'm really missing the friends I made there.

Be praying, guys...

"I'm a liar..."

2009-05-10T14:35:00.001-04:00

Let me explain the title. I was at church today, and pastor Kevin Ezell(sp?) was doing a sermon about lying. Now, to any child, I would think this wouldn't receive much attention, because as children, lying is one of the core things one does to get what they want. Lies for cookies, prevention of grounding or "spankings", lies to friends to make yourself look cool... oh the list never ends.

But, today... it hit me hard, and I have to say today marks a new beginning, and seemingly a step into bigger shoes. I arrived at Highview Baptist East this morning, roughly 8:45 AM this morning for choir practice. We all got up to the stands, and sang various songs (and the names of said songs currently escape me). As I was singing, I noticed I was noting whether or not I was singing good enough to please the crowd... something that, as much as I hate myself for it, I did incessantly. Not just in the choir, either.

Everywhere I went, everyone I saw, I worried; thoughts of whether or not I was being accepted just flashed through my mind. I was never outspoken, never shared my faith, never even stated my own opinion or purposely showed I was good or bad at something. I felt I could take no chances with anyone, because I was at the mercy of the people around me.

I'll tell you right now, as I feel the tears swell in His name, that's the BIGGEST lie you can ever tell yourself. You're not at the mercy of others, you're at the mercy of the Lord, and at your own. Now, I'm not saying God's going to bring the thunder on you; you'll do that to yourself with your own actions. Everything you do, everything you say... ask yourself, why are you saying it? Who are you expecting to hear you? Do you really expect people you don't even know to slander you for being different? Do you expect to be hated? Don't!

What they say to you won't live forever. It will die, with the rest of the world that doesn't know God. To be honest, I was told that by everyone else too... and I never listened. I was still terrified of the slander of people... and I had been, for the longest time.

But you need to ask yourself, and think hard: Do you really want to live that way, trying to please people and make everyone like you? Do you really want to exist in this world and just be everyone's puppet, especially when the people you're trying to please are people you won't see past the proverbial tomorrow? If you are, and take this in: You're LYING.

You and I both know that you don't want to please them. You want to live to please God, because He's done something amazing, something you shouldn't have to hide or apologize for, and you don't. Don't live that lie... the lie that says people are more important. Don't lie with your actions and words, acting as if NOTHING'S happened at all. Don't lie to God, don't lie to your peers, and don't lie to yourself.

Live the TRUTH! Live out what God's done for you! Go and make desciples of ALL the nations, and don't you dare feel sorry for it for a second! He is ALIVE! Doing His very best to keep you strong, to guide you and use you to save people who were lost like you. God so loved the WORLD that He sent His only son... don't lie about that love! SHOW IT!

Setting my Priorities... Escape the Forbidden Dream!

2009-04-05T20:28:00.000-04:00

(I'll get to my prayer request in just a moment... but first, I'd like to point a thing or two out to anyone who has the spare time.)

Now, people as of late will argue that I'm never online. I would have to agree with them, considering my slacking off on housework has come back to haunt me. Dad's got me working in the yard and in the house, but with my staying up past midnight so often, I oftentimes have little strength to do what's asked of me.

I'm sure that very many like myself love spending time online. If it's not the internet, then, there is SOMETHING that people like me can't live without--games, cellphones, forums, the list goes on. We see God as important, we love our Father. We may pray every night, read our bibles, all that good stuff, but the time we spend doing what we feel we have to do, well... sometimes that time takes a little too much priority over everything else.

In my case, I've spent my whole life immersing myself in anything I could to live in a proverbial fantasy world. When it's not video games, it's either friends online or the internet in general. I shut myself off from my family, from people at school, and what little time I had to develop social skills was given to my imagination... and recently, it still is. I don't talk to people at school unless they happen to share a common interest (and those people are few, and I rarely speak to them as is... if ever.) I could care less for the jock, or the gangster, or anyone else. Faith? I don't even bother asking about it.

...And all this time, while I spent my life worrying about how to find my next "imaginary high", I threw away the great commission. I threw away what I was called to do... and I called myself a Christian?! If I could go back, right now, and see myself living the life I was then, I'd beat the living daylights out of me.

This really started to hit me when Mom got onto me about being a furry. She doesn't bash us because of the furry hobby, heck she doesn't even understand it. But because of all the time I've spent, just like the time I've wasted on everything else that I got my hands on in the past, she sees us all as escapist children who are trying to avoid reality at all costs. You all know that that is just not true of us furs, or heck any hobby group.

I realized earlier whilst working in the yard that I'd wasted my life trying to escape into a fantasy. Whether it was my video games or wanting to be a wolf and actually trying to be one or whatever, I was always, and until today, always trying to find a venue to get out of life. In all this, I missed one HUGE picture: the Great Commission!

All the time I spent wasting in an attempt to escape reality is time I could've spent building friendships. In the bible, a passage in the New Testament reads that Paul became all things to all men so that he might save some. In this, I have sinned something awful. I disregarded the interests of others, I secluded myself into my own world for the past 8 years... and it cost me a lot of potential friends, and it ruined a lot of chances that I could've had to share the love of Jesus, which is why we're alive in the first place, to live for our Father, and to share His love with everyone.

Even recently, when all these wonderful changes are unfolding and I'm growing more and more in Jesus each day, I still seek escape. Tell me, how is that gonna save anyone? I can't walk up to someone and say "Oh, look at all the faith points Jesus has given me. I'm such a good Christian and Jesus loves me." It just doesn't work that way.

My main thing in all this is: My priorities have been out of whack for a long time. My main priority, for the past 8 years if not longer, has been looking for a way to get into my fantasy world and stay there. That purpose is reflected in how I wasted in how I spent my time doing everything from playing too many video games to trying to turn into a wolf to roleplaying... everything was wasted.

I'm not saying those things are bad and evil and should never be done (well, the wolf thing was bad... don't do that :P), but... God should always be first. He gave you everything you have, gave me everything I have... and I should be showing my blessings to everyone I know through my actions and love for others, no matter who and what they are.

...So my prayer is that I keep God first, and that He will ALWAYS be my first priority... and I pray the same for every Christian fur and Christian alike.

One right after another...

2009-03-20T15:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm not so much bothered by my past anymore, I've come to understand what it means to let bygones be bygones... and I'm much happier because of that...

...but...

Those "thoughts" that I mentioned earlier in the blog, they've become much worse, and they have me asking questions to myself that no Christian should EVER need to ask themselves.

Here's what happened. I joined a local furry forum, hoping to meet some furries closeby that I could hang with. Christian furries specifically. However, I wound up meeting two very strange ones that live in my state over MSN, one named Sky, and one that goes by Nalo. Sky's a gay guy, and Nalo's bi.

They keep saying they were born that way, and well, whatever. I don't care. Even if they WERE, being gay or bi or whatever is THEIR choice...

The main problem is how my conversation with Sky went. To my shock, he's a real nice fella... and I wasn't expecting that. In my severe homophobia, I expected him to be all flirtsy and fruity, and that's almost the opposite of what I got in the end. He's alright; speaks Japanese too.

I suppose in my trying to accept gays for being well, gay, my mind wandered, and I wound up thinking things that I REALLY didn't want fo for whatever reason.

So... why am I so scarred all of a sudden? Why am I questioning things in the back of my head? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!! >_<

I'm still fighting...

2009-02-11T18:21:00.001-05:00

Ok. I'm going to tell my backstory in full... I've said some things here and there to people about it, and they know the general problem... but I want to see this wither and die. I'm sick and tired of complaining about it, I'm sick and tired of attaching everything I see and do to it... so perhaps telling my full story will help.

In February or so, when I was thirteen, I got online to look and see if physically turning into an animal was possible. Go figure, I found articles that spoke of shape-shifting. Eagerly, I downloaded whatever I could find, and whatever the articles told me to do, I did. This ranged anywhere from dancing in circles to meditating and causing m-shifts (making myself think like an animal). Somewhere down the road there, I eventually found a "working" method... and here's what happened:

One night, after reading another shape-shifting article, it told me specific things to do to cause a physical change... being as frail and "inferior" as I felt back then, I really wanted this, and I was naive enough to believe it was possible. So, with that in mind, I sat up against the wall on my bed, and invisioned myself becoming a werewolf... and graphically, at that. I kept telling my body to turn into it, and kept trying to will it to happen. Suddenly, my heart started thumping, and the room started to spin. I instantly stopped in horror, thinking something was starting to happen.

More attempts of this sort followed, but I usually only attempted it once every three weeks. I was terrified of the idea, but I still was drawn to it. At fourteen, I was doing it at least every other night, and I eventually tried to conjure spirits, thinking they could force me into the wolf form I wanted... I tried this almost every night until the end of my freshman year, when I felt I had "made contact" with a spirit.

Elaborating more on that night... I was laying in bed, trying to "send my energy" out to a spirit, in hopes of getting a reply... and something happened that made me believe this was so. I eventually felt a powerful presence in the room, and I spoke to it assuming it was a wolf. I spoke to it for about an hour, and "convinced" it to enter my body, and it seemed to do so... I was washed over with a very horrifying feeling, but I wanted it because I felt I was gaining power. I debated with myself and others that nothing actually happened that night, and that even IF a spirit came into my body, the holy presence of Jesus repelled it. However, even in that instance, my psyche was affected... which eventually led to the "spirit" having a voice, as well as a name.

During that summer, before my sophomore year, I felt this being or whatever it was much more strongly than before. A friend in Florida mentioned having gone through something of the same sort at a younger age, and that he had gotten what I'd been searching for--he had actually (by his account alone, he never proved it) become a wolf on the physical level. Him saying this made me want to try even more, and I did as much... He said this during the time in which the presence of the being had grown. He spoke of "finding a trigger"... which I supposedly found within a year, roughly.

By the time sophomore year started... about a month in, the being had a name, and a voice to go with it. Its name was Cobalt (and to this very day I loathe that name). It spoke of us "bonding" often, and that if I were to get closer, I would be able to physically change. I strived for this for about a year, until about May or so, near my sophomore graduation, when I felt God calling me to leave Cobalt behind. I eventually broke the bonds between me and him, or so I'd thought.

In the midst of knowing Cobalt, I chose to do immense studies on wolves (and any transformation stories I could get my hands on), and eventually started identifying myself as one. When I would hear of a wolf dying, or see one (I had joined the Defenders of Wildlife for a time, they posted videos of aerial gunnings in Canada / Alaska), I would either become enraged or I would cry. I truly saw them as brothers and sisters.

Even though I had left Cobalt behind, I still desperately wanted to be a wolf, so I went back to trying to will it on my own (during this time, I considered myself a therianthrope, sorry if that's offensive to some of you). Junior year came, and I found myself with a girl. She was black, but also claimed to be Japanese (even though she looked nothing like it at all, she said she'd had papers to prove it but... I dunno). About a week into knowing her, I told her I was a wolf... and to my shock, she wasn't upset or freaking out at all.

Go figure, we start dating.... and what happens two weeks in? She kills it. She tells me she's a vampire, and even proves it... or so I'd felt she did. She at the very least is porphyric, considering she drinks a lot of blood... Anyway. Her telling me this freaked me out beyond comparison, but at the same time I wanted to learn more about her, so I stayed with her... for six long months.

She eventually told me about her knowing a werewolf (whom I never met in person, mind you). This and that happened, and I eventually wound up becoming one because supposedly her friends held the power of invisibility (Yeah, I know how retarded that sounds...), and they bit me or something... at any rate, I wound up becoming a werewolf, or so I thought. I found myself, in that midst, getting angry at people easily, hungering for meat a lot more than before, and I also found myself howling a lot more. I eventually wound up becoming a cross between a vampire and a werewolf, then a vampire, then, for whatever reason, the king of the werewolves... and then things kind of spiraled out from there.

On the phone every night, we would use "energy" to fight vampire hunters and the like. Supposedly a great many physical occurences happened to her, anything from her growing huge wings to turning into a fox. She even missed school at times because of these things... but did I ever see a lick of proof? No... at least not until she made my wrist bleed from biting me (that was my first "transformation" while dating her, supposedly I was turned into a halfbreed vampire). And this wasn't just a scab, her mouth was covered with blood she drank from my wrist... but the sick part was, there were barely even red marks from where she bit, and yet I felt anemic.

In the midst of this desperation, aside from everything that was happening, I looked to God's word in desperation, and in hopes of finding a way out... and by February (President's day, and FYI we started dating in early October, or maybe September... I don't totally remember), I felt the conviction to break up with her. She didn't take it very well, but I know I did the right thing.

...It wasn't until May that I fully chose to leave it all behind. I told my dad about it all, and he kindly spoke words that led me to stop all this.

...So I ask myself now, why am I still so attached to it? To wanting to be a wolf? Was I that scarred by all of this?

Furries and the CFF

2009-02-02T23:37:00.001-05:00

Quote:

o-o… Hi. You don’t know me, but for introduction purposes, just call me Kail.

I’m uhm… actually I’m an ex-therianthrope (wolf, go figure). I stopped when I was 17, but technically that was only a couple of months ago (in May). I still look at furries from time to time for personal entertainment I guess. I’m a little worried though… because well, one of the main reasons why I stopped is because God created me as me, not as a wolf… so it was wrong to try an turn into one. Not to jump onto anyone, but didn’t God also create man in his own image? In this… perhaps the ideal of being a furry is improper. God made us just the way he wanted, and (biblically speaking) He doesn’t look upon trying to escape our original design lightly, in mind or body…

*Shrug* I dunno. I mean, I picture a lot of furry-stuff in my mind from time to time, usually transformation sequences (I was a therian for 5 years. The idea kinda stuck with me.)

So, sir, if you could help me figure things out with secure, unbreakable biblical evidence, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

In Christ,

Kail

P.S. Please pray that I find a sturdy answer. -_-;;

This is an e-mail I sent to DracoDei in December, the 19th. It was still in my sent items folder o.o...

I had my doubts about you guys, I really did. Big doubts. I thought you guys were totally nuts at first...

...and then I met you all.

You all have proven me wrong and destroyed the typical furry stereotype, and moreover, helped me grow in Christ in great extents. I don't find myself crying in contriteness anymore, so much as I find myself blessed and happy as I see God's blessings unfold.

You all have proven to me that growth in Christ IS possible, that in Him I can truly be strong... it's a miracle of the Lord that I found you all, and I don't care what anyone says against that.

I can hear Him say... It's a brand new day.

EDIT (3/2/2011):

Most of the links I had here broke, or just don't help, so I'll just post something I wrote on a Christian blog:

http://www.arrowup.org/christian-furry/

You've not posted in awhile. Something go wrong?

2008-07-21T03:29:00.000-04:00

No, but my struggles still yet continue. Just today, I had a little spat with a few classmates of mine concerning affairs of the animal world... or at least something of the sort. Their names I won't disclose, but the girl believes she is a fox, and the boy, much like how I was, believes he is a wolf. Also, by their accounts, they both seem to believe that they have physically transformed at some given moment, and supposedly continue to do so often. This is supposedly done through the power of animal spirits.

Backtracking a bit, I had known the secret of the girl for a long time, well over a year. When I told her, she was supposedly going to train me in her arts. We would pass notes in class concerning this subject many, many times, but ironically never get in trouble for it, or much less caught (that or the teacher just didn't care).

Her friend was in the same class with us, but she always refused to let me tell him anything, despite the fact that he was supposedly a "fox" too, or so she said. She said he'd kill me or something, which I felt (and am likely right) was total crap.

Anyway, like I may or may not have said, she said it was all a lie shortly after saying I gave up being a wolf myself. I was angry and relieved at the same time--not caring either way because I had found God and it felt (and still feels) great.

A couple of days ago, despite everything, I was talking to her friend about the ordeal, and that she lied, saying he was in on the whole joke. To my surprise, he was very much angered about this, and a couple of days later (which was no more than an hour or so ago) dragged her into the situation. They argued for a bit about lying to me, and it eventually boiled down them telling me that I was going to be killed by my wolf spirit (whom I had, last I checked, gotten rid of for good) if I didn't become a wolf sooner or later.

To this, I both laughed and was slightly afraid of this. Was I really going to die? Was it all as real as I thought before? Questions buzzed through my head. In the end, despite the grim warning, I basically said "Whatever, I don't care, have fun with your world and whatnot." I don't care WHAT is to become of me, I refuse to give up the gift of God's eternal love for some stupid obsession that I used to have, whether it be fatal or not.

The point that I'm trying to get across is the fact that I really wanted to be a wolf for a really long time... I mean desperatley. I would draw them every night, howl with them, eat bleeding meat, the whole shebang. But once I found God in my life, and accepted Christ, all that didn't matter--it all faded away. I had found something that no one could take from me, something that made me feel great, something that gave me a drive to do my best in life, and something that gave me a beautiful promise of paradise in Heaven. Why go back to a pipe dream that would only corrupt me in the end?

I know, however, that the devil isn't going to stop quarreling with me; he's going to keep trying to open dark gateways to my once strong urge. And one day, when I least expect it, he will attack with a specific something that will change my life, for better... or for much, much worse.

Alright, Jesus-boy. You think you're perfect or something now?

2008-06-29T04:45:00.001-04:00

Actually... I'd have to say the exact opposite. I struggle with many things even after I found my revolution in Christ, but at the same time I know where to go when I feel overwhelmed. I still, in the back of my mind and even in sleep sometimes, wonder what would have happened if I'd gotten what I'd wanted. As a human being, it's natural for me to do that. But I also feel that Satan is doing what HE can to make sure that I screw up somewhere down the road. I just might... but I know that even in the event that I screw up, Jesus will still welcome me home with open arms, so long as I repent.

Don't get me wrong, I can't just hop into a confession box and say "O Father forgive me for I have sinned" and be done with it. A priest can't fix anything--my request for forgiveness has to go to God Himself, and I have to be sincere. (This is why I'm not Catholic. XD)

After I gave up trying to be a wolf, I found (and at times still do) myself under Satanic attack--I was being bombarded by thoughts of confusion, fear, and just outright disgust that I wouldn't even entertain, much less think on purpose. In the corners of my mind, I'd always had a kind of homophobia, but now it had spread throughout, and thoughts of what gays do (in all senses of vulgarity) came to mind at random moments.

I'll tell ya, I really hate those thoughts when they pop up. I'm not going to lie; the thoughts appear frequently even now. However, I know I have a place to go, I know I have a Refuge. In God's word (new testament (Peter?)), one of Jesus' followers stated that he would be mastered by nothing, just so long as God was with him. I don't think that was how it was said verbatim, but I know that's what the general message was.

This holds true for me, too. It may be difficult at times, but I know I can give all my problems to God, and that His son Jesus took that sin and fear to the cross with Him--he died so I wouldn't be put to death by such thoughts. When I say death, I'm serious--these thoughts have not only caused violent outbursts, but also thoughts of suicide.

Tell me now, what's impossible with Christ? He's saving me on this very day of my fears, and crushing Satan under his feet. "In Christ alone, I will not be defeated." I know in my heart I can take that saying to the grave and eventually through the Pearly Gates! Even now as I type this, I begin to shed tears of joy.

I know to a lot of people, you no doubt think that this is just some sort of preachy sermon thing. I know a lot of people have speculations that this is all fake... but if it were true, would I be able to go to God in tears, knowing He's gonna call me into Heaven one day--knowing that I can give every last bit of anguish to Him and know true comfort?

I tell you right now, this is love... no, everlasting love that I would die for, many times over.

Ok, so get to the point! What did you do, anyway?

2008-06-16T02:17:00.000-04:00

People are drawn to chaos for one specific reason--they want change in some way, shape, or form. Me, well... I didn't just want change, I felt like I desperatley needed it. In my younger days (about 5 years ago), I wanted the impossible to happen--I wanted power.

This want for power didn't spring off as an instant lust, it sprang from an innocent curiosity that most kids my age had--most kids wonder what being an animal is like. Me, having too much free time, got on the internet and actually looked to see if that was possible. To the shock of my 12-year old brain, I found articles that spoke of ways to make this happen--articles that spoke of shapeshifting.

Finding such articles seemed like an instant blessing for me. When I found them, I instantly printed them out, shut off the computer, and ran to my room to attempt a change of any kind. I sat in my floor, closed my eyes, and thought of what I wanted (I was trying to become a wolf of some sort). To my shock, my heart rate went up, the room began to spin, and my head started to hurt. This scared me half to death, and at the same time presented some sort of hope that this was actually achievable.

From that point on, as I was met with more insults at school, (or to support my chaos theory, as things got more hectic (building levels of chaos) in my life), I became more desperatley drawn to this psychotic dream. Soon, by 8th grade, I was making attempts to change at least every two weeks, and by second semester freshman year I was trying almost nightly. The violent, raging power of a wolf became more and more enticing as life progressed... and like all things drawn to chaos, I constantly wanted it with an increasing urge to fulfill what I soon started calling "my dream".

I met a friend in another state that eventually admitted to having the same "dream". However, unlike me, he claimed to have actually gotten his wish, and was activley involved in frequent transformations. In some way or another he was able to make me believe him (more or less by telling me how it all happened), and this also helped to make me want to become a wolf myself--through the power of a wolf spirit.

Time went on, and by the time he had told me everything, I found myself with an apparition myself. The name of the spirit I will not disclose, nor the physical description (for the sake of keeping the memory of him out of my mind), but I will tell you that he stayed with me for a full year.

Had I not been going to church regularly, he (the spirit) would have possibly given me what I wanted, but at the price of my life sooner or later. At church, he would frequently say things such as "I don't want to be here, Kail... these humans will kill me," or "This doesn't feel right... I'm scared," or he would just flat-out refuse to go.

The next couple of paragraphs contain rather nonsensical details about what happened. Keep in mind that I don't have the same mindset as before, and left all such "theories" behind when I gave this all up.

On top of that, as crazy as it sounds (if it's not crazy enough already) he eventually told me he was hellbound. Either that, or my subconcious made me feel that that was the case. Nonetheless, this struck me with great fear, and I told him to leave and never come back.

Despite giving him and the powers he seemed to give away, I continued to search for ways to make my dream a reality. I experimented with ethereal substances and somehow rose the natural production (seemingly) of those substances in my body, in hopes that I would have enough "mind over matter" to make it all happen. At times it would feel as if I were extremley close, and at times it felt as if I had left my human self, despite still being in my own body.

Nevertheless, not once did a physical change occur. This may have just been the providence of God preventing it, or the likely chance that no amount of spiritual power could break the laws of physics (insert laughter here). This may be the case of all others who are attempting this, so keep that in mind. Even if something real and physical DOES happen (as it seemed to with my friend), you'll pay the price in some way later on. In some way or another, when chaotic states of being escalate to some level, some sort of price ALWAYS has to be paid (usually death, but it depends on the type of chaos the victim is going through).

My chaos theories were not what stopped me from trying to be a wolf. As I said in my first post, my actions ceased by means of divine intervention.

In the ending months of my actions, I chose to look more to God so as to ascertain his will. I prayed more, I started paying real attention in church for the first time, and in a strange but life-changing manner, my actions ceased with my hand reaching to heaven and my eyes practically bleeding (metaphorically) tears. For the first time in my life, I chose to fight the chaos in my life by giving it all to God Himself, and I experienced a feeling that NOTHING on this world can beat--the feeling of God's eternal love. I knew God forgave me for everything I did, despite the countless times I bashed Him and even loathed Him for not giving me my "dream". I knew God was saying "It's alright, no harm no foul." I truly felt like He cared, like he was really there.

This, readers, is the true reason I write to you--to tell you that your life doesn't need some sort of "magick" or any such thing to make it special. Want to know something real? Try really getting to know God and I promise you: You'll never feel the need for such things again, and your want for something special will be satisfied for the rest of your eternal lives!

What do you mean "One Once Bound"?

2008-06-13T03:21:00.000-04:00

It is my scientifically proven belief (proven by pysicists, even) that every object, both living and nonliving, eventually turns to chaos. Human beings, however, are bound to a different kind of chaos. For example-- a child asks for a cookie and his mother says no. Chances are, despite being told no, the child goes for the cookie against his mother's wishes.

Before I continue to rant on about cookies, let me cut to the chase. We, as humans, are eternally destined to stray from proper direction. In lamens terms, we are bound to chaos.

Some, in their lives, choose to immerse themselves in chaos. Others choose to find a way to escape that chaos--usually by finding religion. However, even in the midst of finding "salvation" (in some religions more than others), people always find their way back to the proverbial off-road.

However, despite this, we human beings have a very powerful weapon against chaos. As much as people refuse to accept the truth (whilst being in great chaos themselves half the time), that weapon is the unbreakable text... the voice of God: The Bible.

With the voice of God by my side, I was able to break the chains that kept me tied to chaos itself, and although I am attacked and twisted by chaos at times, the Bible always helps me find my way back... Now, how was I bound by chaos, you ask? Well... that's why you're here, isn't it? You'll have to wait until the next post to find out.