Monday, June 16, 2008

Ok, so get to the point! What did you do, anyway?

People are drawn to chaos for one specific reason--they want change in some way, shape, or form. Me, well... I didn't just want change, I felt like I desperatley needed it. In my younger days (about 5 years ago), I wanted the impossible to happen--I wanted power.

This want for power didn't spring off as an instant lust, it sprang from an innocent curiosity that most kids my age had--most kids wonder what being an animal is like. Me, having too much free time, got on the internet and actually looked to see if that was possible. To the shock of my 12-year old brain, I found articles that spoke of ways to make this happen--articles that spoke of shapeshifting.

Finding such articles seemed like an instant blessing for me. When I found them, I instantly printed them out, shut off the computer, and ran to my room to attempt a change of any kind. I sat in my floor, closed my eyes, and thought of what I wanted (I was trying to become a wolf of some sort). To my shock, my heart rate went up, the room began to spin, and my head started to hurt. This scared me half to death, and at the same time presented some sort of hope that this was actually achievable.

From that point on, as I was met with more insults at school, (or to support my chaos theory, as things got more hectic (building levels of chaos) in my life), I became more desperatley drawn to this psychotic dream. Soon, by 8th grade, I was making attempts to change at least every two weeks, and by second semester freshman year I was trying almost nightly. The violent, raging power of a wolf became more and moreenticing as life progressed... and like all things drawn to chaos, I constantly wanted it with an increasing urge to fulfill what I soon started calling "my dream".

I met a friend in another state that eventually admitted to having the same "dream". However, unlike me, he claimed to have actually gotten his wish, and was activley involved in frequent transformations. In some way or another he was able to make me believe him (more or less by telling me how it all happened), and this also helped to make me want to become a wolf myself--through the power of a wolf ghost/spirit.

Time went on, and by the time he had told me everything, I found myself with an apparition myself. The name of the spirit I will not disclose, nor the physical description (for the sake of keeping the memory of him out of my mind), but I will tell you that he stayed with me for a full year.

Had I not been going to church regularly, he (the spirit) would have possibly given me what I wanted, but at the price of my life sooner or later. At church, he would frequently say things such as "I don't want to be here, Kail... these humans will kill me," or "This doesn't feel right... I'm scared," or he would just flat-out refuse to go.

The next couple of paragraphs contain rather nonsensical details about what happened. Keep in mind that I don't have the same mindset as before, and left all such "theories" behind when I gave this all up.

On top of that, as crazy as it sounds (if it's not crazy enough already) he eventually told me he was hellbound. Either that, or my subconcious made me feel that that was the case. Nonetheless, this struck me with great fear, and I told him to leave and never come back.

Despite giving him and the powers he seemed to give away, I continued to search for ways to make my dream a reality. I experimented with ethereal substances and somehow rose the natural production (seemingly) of those substances in my body, in hopes that I would have enough "mind over matter" to make it all happen. At times it would feel as if I were extremley close, and at times it felt as if I had left my human self, despite still being in my own body.

Nevertheless, not once did a physical change occur. This may have just been the providence of God preventing it, or the likely chance that no amount of spiritual power could break the laws of physics (insert laughter here). This may be the case of all others who are attempting this, so keep that in mind. Even if something real and physical DOES happen (as it seemed to with my friend), you'll pay the price in some way later on. In some way or another, when chaotic states of being escalate to some level, some sort of price ALWAYS has to be paid (usually death, but it depends on the type of chaos the victim is going through).

My chaos theories were not what stopped me from trying to be a wolf. As I said in my first post, my actions ceased by means of divine intervention.

In the ending months of my actions, I chose to look more to God so as to ascertain his will. I prayed more, I started paying real attention in church for the first time, and in a strange but life-changing manner, my actions ceased with my hand reaching to heaven and my eyes practically bleeding (metaphorically) tears. For the first time in my life, I chose to fight the chaos in my life by giving it all to God Himself, and I experienced a feeling that NOTHING on this world can beat--the feeling of God's eternal love. I knew God forgave me for everything I did, despite the countless times I bashed Him and even loathed Him for not giving me my "dream". I knew God was saying "It's alright, no harm no foul." I truly felt like He cared, like he was really there.

This, readers, is the true reason I write to you--to tell you that your life doesn't need some sort of "magick" or any such thing to make it special. Want to know something real? Try really getting to know God and I promise you: You'll never feel the need for such things again, and your

Friday, June 13, 2008

What do you mean "One Once Bound"?

It is my scientifically proven belief (proven by pysicists, even) that every object, both living and nonliving, eventually turns to chaos. Human beings, however, are bound to a different kind of chaos. For example-- a child asks for a cookie and his mother says no. Chances are, despite being told no, the child goes for the cookie against his mother's wishes.

Before I continue to rant on about cookies, let me cut to the chase. We, as humans, are eternally destined to stray from proper direction. In lamens terms, we are bound to chaos.

Some, in their lives, choose to immerse themselves in chaos. Others choose to find a way to escape that chaos--usually by finding religion. However, even in the midst of finding "salvation" (in some religions more than others), people always find their way back to the proverbial off-road.

However, despite this, we human beings have a very powerful weapon against chaos. As much as people refuse to accept the truth (whilst being in great chaos themselves), that weapon is the unbreakable text... the voice of God: The Bible.

With the voice of God by my side, I was able to break the chains that kept me tied to chaos itself, and although I am attacked and twisted by chaos at times, the Bible always helps me find my way back... Now, how was I bound by chaos you ask? Well... that's why you're here, isn't it?