Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Blind to bondage.

When I created this blog, I chose to call it "One Once Bound," noting that I was bound to sin, and that I am now set free. In a fair number of my posts I attempt to echo that idea with text that suggests that I had a problem, but I learned something new and suddenly don't have a problem anymore... only to find myself still struggling and needing to learn more.

Throughout all this, I think it's fair to say I've still been bound up in a sense--serving a master that demanded my worship and surrender, a master that I feared to leave and claimed that I would be nothing without it. Sounds a lot like God, right? Here's the problem--that's not the master I've been afraid of.

I could make this post centralize around idolatry in general, but here I want to talk about my heaviest, most imprisoning idol. An idol that since I was eleven years old, I have worshiped and yearned for. I poured out all I had for this idol, gave myself away and even was willing to completely lose myself, to throw away my entire life and become a completely different creature. Again, sounds a bit like how a Christian is saved, becomes a new creation in Christ, and surrenders their all to him (but that is a bit different than what I'm referring to).

I started this blog after I left my life of totemism, after I decided that I would no longer practice what was basically witchcraft in order to become a wolf and lose my humanity. However, the idea itself of becoming a wolf (a werewolf in particular) has still very much been an idol. Whenever I've felt weak, I've run to that idea and allowed myself to give into it emotionally, sensually, and even sexually through masturbation, clinging to this idea that if I gave myself to the idea of becoming a bigger, stronger creature in every way possible, I would find strength that I felt I had to have. Something else I noticed just tonight however, was that I didn't simply run to transformation fantasies when I felt weak. I've searched for it in everything--the feel of fur, things on TV that reminded me of werewolves, even in just seeing animals in general... anything that gave me an excuse to fantasize, I nonchalantly searched for without even realizing it.

The picture of a man's relationship with an idol is painted very well in Isaiah 44. Here's an excerpt:

18 They know not, nor do they discern, for he has shut their eyes, so that they cannot see, and their hearts, so that they cannot understand. 19 No one considers, nor is there knowledge or discernment to say, “Half of it I burned in the fire; I also baked bread on its coals; I roasted meat and have eaten. And shall I make the rest of it an abomination? Shall I fall down before a block of wood?” 20  He feeds on ashes; a deluded heart has led him astray, and he cannot deliver himself or say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?”

Basically, this passage is saying that someone who worships an idol, even though their worship may be blatant, they aren't aware of what they're really doing. Lesser idols, in my experience, can be looked at in one's life and identified as a problem and be readily dealt with. Major idols however, are ever-present, and through many venues are worshiped by a person... without that person even realizing that it's idol worship!

I know from here it will be a heavy battle to let go of this idol in my life, but at least now it's been revealed for what it is. This now requires that I very deeply examine my heart for the furry fandom as well as the art form in general, and see if I'm using it as a venue to worship transformation, or to truly worship the one, true God.

1 comment:

Direlda said...

Kail, my dear brother in Christ, it is important to remember that "God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, in order that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord'" (1 Cor 1:27-31). In other words, being strong, being wise, being somebody of importance ultimately doesn't mean a thing - it is hevel or, in English, meaningless, absurdity, emptiness, vapor, mist, vanity, etc. (see Eccl. where the word is used 37 times). What matters, then, is not your ability but where you stand and who you put your trust in. We are all broken (some more visibly than others), but God comes and meets us in our brokenness; he redeems us from out of the midst of our sin. We are not meant to do this on our own. We are not meant to be able to say, "look at me, I saved myself through my [noun]!"

So I urge you, my brother, to meditate on scripture, to be in prayer, to seek the support of fellow believers, and to give it to God. It won't be easy. Especially in the case of surrendering the problem to God. But with God on your side, you can overcome.

And you're right that major idols are often not seen as idols. People wrap their lives around things such as money, fame, a nation, a sports team, a person, an idea, and fail to realize that making it the center of their life is not a good idea. What is at our center affects practically everything we do. And if the center is off, then our actions can get skewed.

Blessings and peace!
~Direlda