Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A spiritual high.

So, as per usual, I've been battling with my sin. I've been learning about a lot of my other weaknesses too as I've walked with the Lord, but despite how much I learn about myself, my issues with the past still wait for me at my doorstep with every waking moment. Nothing new there.

Unlike my other posts, this won't be some long story with a big call to action (or at least, I don't intend it to be). I just kind of want to talk this time.

I'll start with why I gave this post the title I did, "a spiritual high." I was battling temptation one particular night, and I had let myself slip into some weird mental state to where I didn't feel like myself anymore. I realized in the moment that I didn't want to. I whispered to myself, 'I just want that spiritual high...' without thinking about it, and something dawned on me. I want a spiritual high just as much as a sexual one. 

When I give in to my temptation to fantasize about becoming a werewolf, at times it has extended further than simply looking at pornography. In these moments I don't want to just appease a fetish, I want something more than that. I want to lose myself completely. I want to step into the fantasy of being a werewolf as much as possible in the moment of my lust--telling myself in my mind that that's what I am, and in the midst of it visualize myself becoming it as I jerk off. I try to go to the point of mentally becoming the object of my fantasy, to create a sense of an augmented reality and escape as far away from real life as possible.

In all those times, not once did it dawn on me that I don't simply have some sort of sexual fetish, but that I'm yearning to have some sort of spiritual experience. There's a God-sized hole that only genuine, consistent time spent in fellowship with and worship to Him can fill. It's easy to think that I'm trying as best as I can, but it's also just as easy to fail to realize that when that lust gets worse, it's because I'm looking for an experience that only God can provide.

I can't say that I have this sorted out yet. I still live in this state of battling dysphoria, of yearning off and on for this experience that I've talked about of getting to be a werewolf in some fashion. It hurts, it's confusing, and there's not a passing day that I don't wish for some sort of resolution. Each blog post I write here, I want it to be my last one. I want to be able to leave a final note to everyone who reads this and tell the world that I don't struggle with my past anymore.

But I guess I won't ever get to that day where it's not a struggle. I don't say that in a defeated tone, but I somewhat say that hopefully. I worry about a day where I would stop fighting because I don't want this to overtake my life. I want to live happily with my friends, and family, not letting this daunting struggle become a waking nightmare that deprives me of every ounce of joy that I have. It's never not going to be a fight to choose to find joy and satisfaction in knowing and loving God versus wanting to create my own spiritual experiences and attempting to find rest in that (which I never do).

I don't know how many people really read this, but if you can relate to any of this, or you're dealing with anything (and I do mean anything) that's become too much to bear, send me an e-mail. Talk to me. Tell me how I can pray for you. Or, if you don't believe in God at all and are just frustrated with everything I'm saying, we can work through that too.

My heart goes out to those struggling with sin, and while I may not be a shining example of how not to struggle anymore, I pray I'm an example that shows you that Christ is better. Jesus is better than the sin we choose over him, and I ask for prayer that I would believe that myself (because that's a battle in itself every day).

No comments: